THE TWELVE WRESTLING DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

It is perhaps only a little bit surprising that wrestling fans, like many other people, have wives and girlfriends (and sometimes both). The following spoof is therefore intended as an expression of empathy and appreciation for long-suffering spouses and significant others. As such, we offer this variation on the traditional carol, “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” as sung by the befuddled wrestling fan:

On the first day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
A stripe-shirted blind referee

On the second day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Two eye gouges
And a stripe-shirted blind referee

On the third day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Three choke holds
Two eye gouges
And a stripe-shirted blind referee

On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Four kicks to the groin
Three choke holds
Two eye gouges
And a stripe-shirted blind referee

On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Five Fingerpokes of Doom
Four knees to the groin
Three choke holds
Two eye gouges
And a stripe-shirted blind referee

On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Six chairs a-breaking
Five Fingerpokes of Doom
Four knees to the groin
Three choke holds
Two eye gouges
And a stripe-shirted blind referee

On the seventh day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Seven Atomic Noogies
Six chairs a-breaking
Five Fingerpokes of Doom
Four knees to the groin
Three choke holds
Two eye gouges
And a stripe-shirted blind referee

On the eighth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Eight Canadian Destroyers
Seven Atomic Noogies
Six chairs a-breaking
Five Fingerpokes of Doom
Four knees to the groin
Three choke holds
Two eye gouges
And a stripe-shirted blind referee

On the ninth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Nine World Class wedgies
Eight Canadian Destroyers
Seven Atomic Noogies
Six chairs a-breaking
Five Fingerpokes of Doom
Four knees to the groin
Three choke holds
Two eye gouges
And a stripe-shirted blind referee

On the tenth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Ten Garvin stomps
Nine World Class wedgies
Eight Canadian Destroyers
Seven Atomic Noogies
Six chairs a-breaking
Five Fingerpokes of Doom
Four knees to the groin
Three choke holds
Two eye gouges
And a stripe-shirted blind referee

On the eleventh day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Eleven cobras clutching
Ten Garvin stomps
Nine World Class wedgies
Eight Canadian Destroyers
Seven Atomic Noogies
Six chairs a-breaking
Five Fingerpokes of Doom
Four knees to the groin
Three choke holds
Two eye gouges
And a stripe-shirted blind referee

On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me
Twelve grudge matches*
Eleven cobras clutching
Ten Garvin stomps
Nine World Class wedgies
Eight Canadian Destroyers
Seven Atomic Noogies
Six chairs a-breaking
Five Fingerpokes of Doom
Four knees to the groin
Three choke holds
Two eye gouges
And a stripe-shirted blind referee

* Grudge matches to be determined by wife/girlfriend as any two of the following three:
(1) flaming ladders in a toxic mud pit,
(2) piranha attached to electrified barbed wire baseball bats
(3) exploding chain-link tables while blindfolded and wearing a coal miner’s glove scaffold match

~A very large thank you to Cindi Augustine for providing the inspiration and for her substantial contributions in the creation of this silly little parody.~

Happy Holidays to one and all!

Richard Berger is a freelance writer and editor with an extensive background in professional wrestling. His career includes media production for Stampede Wrestling, ring announcing, regular columns for WOW Magazine and IGN.com, and special feature work for other publications. Between June, 2007 and June, 2008, he wrote a weekly column for The Fight Network and Live Audio Wrestling. To discuss Richard’s articles or just about anything else, contact him at: WriterGuy1A@hotmail.com.

The small sampling of his work found here was originally published at The Fight Network and Live Audio Wrestling. The majority will appear in a soon-to-be-released book along with new material. Stay tuned for information as it becomes available!